And this is what I am left with: questions. Not even important questions - not even questions that I desire to be answered. Just questions. They sound nice to me. They give my brain something to figure out. That’s what someone like me needs, right? Something to figure out? If I really am alone on a bus, staring out of a window but not necessarily paying attention to what lies outside of it… what do I do? What do I think about? Does my mind immediately find some sort of problem in my life? In another’s life? If finding out where my heart is involves realizing where my mind goes when it wanders, does that mean that I don’t know where my heart is? I don’t believe that’s true at all. I can easily list many things that strike that area of myself.
I think it’s nice to write when your mind is at that degenerate state of exhaustion. I have a feeling that everything is communicated more clearly. There isn’t that constant consideration of what sounds nicer, what words fit better, and of how things should be formatted. I am not concerned at all of what people think of this post. If I am to be true to the purpose of this medium, should I not remove all mental restraints? What have I really been waiting for this whole time? Was there really some sort of pressure behind what I was producing? Perhaps. There’s an answer for you - an answer I present often: perhaps. Why does everything have to be so absolute? Is it truly? Why is it that people become upset when I respond to an invitation with “most likely” or “maybe”? How am I to know whether or not I will even still be present in the future? Is “most likely” not the most appropriate answer? Perhaps not the most appropriate socially. But I guess that’s another root of things: So much about me is not socially appropriate. And guess what. I don’t care. That, I can say with audacity. I realize the danger that this admission presents. People don’t respond nicely to those who act in such ways. I can understand being upset if I affect you physically, but emotionally? I’m sorry, but I just wish people would get over themselves. But who knows, this could all just be a product of my personality. Logic and rationality is cold and emotionless at times, right? That may be true, but I’ll always consider myself a compassionate person. I don’t actively and deliberately target people to cut down - or I try my best not to, anyway. I do wish to exemplify what I stand for, but I often find that a sense of rebellion exists. Why is everything so uniform? Uniform outside of superficiality. I suppose those are future topics - topics that aren’t important enough for a wall of text, but can be spliced together into something remotely presentable.
So that’s it. Meaningless text in a meaningless place. Bits and bytes in cyberspace, isn’t it? Is it not interesting that something so menial and insignificant can reap such endearing or intimidating responses? Why am I bound to this state of mind? Am I not able to venture into the realms of other peoples’ interests? Do I not possess the same capabilities of others with different personalities and worldviews? We’ll toss the trifecta, make it duple. If you don’t want to take the responsibility, I’ll do it myself. I can take full control of some things, can’t I? Or does everything have to be influenced by a higher power? I guess it means something to me in an artistic sense. I guess nobody can truly take away from me what all of this represents… to me. It may not matter to anybody else in the world, but it’s mine. Haven’t you heard that before? We are a greedy race, an entitled race. Can’t I occasionally peer into forbidden hopes, dreams, desires, and knowledge? What does that even matter anyway? What power does one have who actually does make it that far? Hovering on the topic of our species, I guess it’s true that we are a reactive people. We’ve never really been too concerned with the long term. But that’s all I’ve known throughout my life: the long term. If you’re going to make a ruling based on a possibility, why do you deliberately ignore all contingencies? It’s detrimental to make such subjective choices on such an objective plane. That’s okay though. It works for some.
And so a reclusive signal arises. A spread of every possibility, every thought, every action, every route, plan, feeling… all in one place. If it’s healthy to run, run now. Run forever. If you don’t look back, maybe you’ll end up exactly where you want to be. Exactly where you’re supposed to be. If they don’t catch you, and if they aren’t waiting for you where you are headed, fade away. You think it’s a fall back plan, but it’s not. We all need it, and we all need you to do exactly as you realize you must do. If not for you, for who else? If not because of you, from whom will this effect be initialized? If you don’t strike the match against the box, can it not be lit? Why is everything so restrictive? Why is everything communicated over one channel? If you really want to be free, follow on the heading you’ve actually been following this whole time. Even if you just realized in what direction you were walking.
Wasted food, wasted potential, and a lack of pragmatism. That edgy, sharp concern that you didn’t act upon. It’s all here. It’s everywhere.
It’s only fitting that I leave on the same note on which I arrived.
A string of words with absolutely no meaning or even an ending ring in your head incessantly.
And that’s all that I find here.